Cowboy Humor - Looking for your Wife

At a local rodeo the other night two Cowboys, one an older man around 60 years old and the other a younger man around 30 bumped into each other, almost knocking each other down, while walking through crowd and the pens, each looking for their misplaced wife.

"Excuse me young fella, I wasn't paying attention, sorry I almost knocked you over, but I lost my wife and I was looking for her."

The younger Cowboy replies, "Same here Sir, I wasn't looking where I was going either, and I am also looking for my wife."

The older Cowboy asks "Well, what does your wife look like?  I may have seen her."

'Well, my wife is in her late 20's, small waisted, long blonde hair, very pretty,.....oh, she has a really big,..err.,,chest."  say's the young Cowboy.  Then he asks the older Cowboy, "What does your wife look like?" 

The older Cowboy replies, "Never mind that, let's go look for your wife!"
 

Cowboy Humor - Horse Buying

One morning Big John was planning on heading to the horse auction hoping to find a decent broodmare for his small horse breeding operation. At breakfast he asked his 5 year old son, Little Johnny, if he's like to go along. Little Johnny replied with a resounding "Sure Pa!"

So one hour later Big John and his son were at the sale barn and Little Johnny followed his Pa around the pens, and every once in while Big John would go into a pen and look over a prospective mare, running his hands over the horse's butt, stiple, then down the mare's legs, feeling the tendon, then patting the horse on the rump before he took out his flyer and made notes.

This went on for several more horse's until Little Johnny said "Pa, can I ask you a question?" Big John, beaming with pride as his son seemed to be showing interest with the whole process, replied "Sure son."

Little Johnny then asked "Pa, why do rub your hands all over the horse's butt and legs?" Big John, seeing an opportunity to teach his son alittle something about horse buying said "Well son, I'm checking for good conformation as well as any deformities or sore spots in the horse,....after all I might want to buy this horse."

Little Johnny appeared to think for a bit, then he pursed his lips and said "Pa, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom."

Cowboy Humor - Commentary on Sagging Pants

Recently, a video has gone viral of a Cowboy recording his comments about today's youth and the disturbing habit of wearing your pants down around your knees.

This Cowboy was driving his truck when he spotted the "pants on the ground" posse walking down the street, so he pulled over and recorded his comments which are pretty dang funny.

As he starts out: “I was driving down the street the other day when I saw a trio of young men walking along the roadside clad in what has become a sort of uniform: pants hanging below their rear end, strung up loosely by a belt or held in place by their upper appendages,” he claimed. “The only covering for their private parts is whatever pair of underwear they care to rep that day.”

“They are waddling (when they walk up the street)...it looks like they are trying out for the Penguin part in the next Batman movie."........ "It looks like they were asleep when they were putting their pants on and when they woke up, they forgot to finish the process."

You gotta watch this Cowboy - I hope to see more of his videos and commentary,...I think you will too.

Blind Cowboy Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,"'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:"

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............"

Cowboy Humor - The Blue Ribbon

Warning! This is PG-17 type humor. A Texas Ranger sent this to me. Since the Rangers are the most respected, honest and incorruptible law enforcement agency ever, I thought I could get away posting this.

The Blue Ribbon

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she thinks, leaving the vet and heading home.

Later that night just after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband awakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did ... but, by God, we took first and second place."

Cowboy Humor - Old Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad. He's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our young cowboy friend has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then Ol' Blue turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The young man went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman......

A Cowboy and His Brothers

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Beer.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

Then one day, the cowboy comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking......hasn't affected my brothers though."

Cowboy Wisdom – The Old Cowboy in Church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. The old man and his clothes -- jeans, a denim shirt and boots, were spotlessly clean but worn and ragged. In his hand he carried an old hat and an equally well worn Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and jewelry.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled by his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor: "Before you come back here again, have a talk with God and ask Him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship in church."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same old jeans, shirt, boots, and hat.

Once again, he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the cowboy and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did He tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

More Cowboy Humor - Get Off the Carousel

My apologies if this offends anyone. We all probably know someone who comes to mind when you read the card below. Some of the toughest and best hands I know drink themselves into a shorter life which is unfortunate.   But, they know what they are doing and approach life with more humor than most.  I just hope most of you can get a chuckle at this.

Cowboy Humor - Bottle Refunds

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses, when the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale took a long draw, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Nevadan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of beer!! The Nevadan replied, "We make that beer in Nevada,...there's plenty of it and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Texan pulled out a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 sipping whiskey.  He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Nevadan said "Why in the world did you do that?" The Texan replied, "Well, in Texas we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

Cowboy Humor: German Still Spoken in Texas

Unless you have studied Texas History you may not know that Texas was populated and tamed, such as it is, in part by German immigrants. In fact there is a town called Muenster (image that) where there is still a section of the population that speaks German.

Well one day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a BMW parked off the side of the road, then he noticed a man in the pasture kneeling at the edge of a stock pond using his hand to scoop water to drink.

The rancher pulled off the side of the road, rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." Which means: "Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have pooped in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

Cowboy Humor, or Why We Shoot Deer

An old partner of mine, still riding and working cows at 70 years old sent me this and explained that he almost wet his britches reading this,....so be forewarned.

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I
managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand.....kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ...... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly.. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp ... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal - like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down..

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope ... to sort of even the odds!! All these events are true so help me ... An Educated Rancher.

Cowboy Humor - Jackpot Roping

One of my old friends called me the other day telling me he was putting on a jackpot roping and was asking me to enter.

I told him that I hadn't team roped in years and didn't think I had the time.

He then told me that it was a charity roping for handicapped kids who were blind.

I said "Handicapped kids? Are you kidding me? Then sign me up. This is one I have a chance at winning!"

Cowboy Humor: The Pastor's New Teeth

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he preaches for only eight minutes (much to the delight of some).

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. Most of his flock are pretty content to hear the word of God in such a short span.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up......

Cowboy Humor - New Texas Rain Gauge

As Texas continues to bake in record heat and endure the most severe one-year drought on record, hardy Texans, who can find humor in the bleakest of situations, have started using this new rain gauge.

Cowboy Humor: Montana Rancher versus State Department of Labor

I'm sure everybody has heard about the influx of Californians and other liberals into the Great State of Montana. Not only have they hired a bunch of Democrats for state office and bought up about half the land in the state, these transplanted Montanan's have invaded about every segment of state regulatory agencies as well. In an effort to see if ranch hands could be unionized, the State Department of
Employment, Labor Standards Division sent out several eastern educated young men to collect facts on ranch hands such as their pay and benefits.

One of these young men ventured onto a small ranch and made some not so subtle allegations that a rancher was probably not paying his ranch hands well enough, nor providing for benefits. That conversation went something like this:

State Labor Agent: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

Rancher: ”Well, that should be fairly easy seeing how I only have two. There’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $150 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day, makes about $10 a week, and does about 90% of all the work around here."

State Labor Agent: "You're kidding?!? Those are terrible wages. That's practically slavery. Do you provide any benefits?"

Rancher: "Well, the hired hand gets to keep three horses which I pay the feed bill for. For the mentally challenged gent, he pays his own room and board, but I buy him a bottle of Wild Turkey every Saturday night so he can cope with life.....oh yeah, he also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

State Labor Agent: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

Rancher: “That would be me.”

More Cowboy Humor - Men Will Understand

Cowboy Humor - The Cowboy and the Bus

Visiting New York City (reluctantly of course) a Texas Cowboy was waiting at a bus stop hoping he was about to get on the right bus, when a very attractive lady in a tight skirt arrived at the bus stop. When the bus pulled up, the Cowboy, being from Texas and having decent manners, said to the lady “Ma’am, please,….” And indicated that she should board the bus before him.

As the lady tried to step up and into the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, the Texas Cowboy, who was still standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The woman (she is no lady),…well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be good Samaritan and screamed "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texas Cowboy, just looked at her, smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Old Cowboys,....Don't Underestimate them!

When I think about this joke, I am thinking about Dean Wood a old Texas-New Mexico Cowboy. Course, he don't look half as young as the rancher in the photo.

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the romantic appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old Cowboys!!!

Cowboy Humor - Gunfighting Tips

A young Cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition to be a famous gunfighter.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" asked the young cowboy.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young cowboy did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Single Action in .45 Long Colt and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the aspiring gunfighter......"Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw".

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff-link off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the young cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here!"

"Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner.

"See that bucket of wagon axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the axle grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun,...handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun so far up where the Sun don't shine, it won't hurt you near as much."